If Only They Knew
by Emma Stark
Summary: "I longed for the moments when we would strip down, take off this costume we carefully constructed during the day, and curl up next to each other, naked and exposed and truthful and warm." Warning: explicit adult content.


They don't know.

They created the "Brotherly Love" package for us, linking us closer and closer together for our entire high school career. We didn't have a chance to explore who we were, to try separating from each other, ever so slightly, before we became one solid item: the brothers. We did it, Kaoru, because we were bored, and we had always seen ourselves as two parts of the same soul. It made sense to become one being. We feigned indifference when girls tripped up on our names, or worse, referred to us as the collective "brothers," refusing to acknowledge that, even if we are the same soul, we are housed in two separate beings.

They have no idea.

It makes so much sense now, looking back. How could things have not ended up the way they did between us, Kaoru? They have no idea that they practically drove us together. They created this joined identity between us, and expected us to play up a taboo love in order to entertain girls. But more importantly, they expected us to keep up the charade in order to belong with them, to keep our place in their club. So we did. It was a fun game at first, one where we could push each other to our limits while simultaneously playing with the hearts of the fragile pathetic girls who couldn't decipher play from reality. But they don't know that now, when we look each other in the eyes, you hold mine only for a second, then your gaze is lost. We play through the motions, holding each other and whispering things that aren't innately romantic but vaguely could mean something to the right delusional soul, but only I know that you aren't focused, and your hand shakes while holding mine, as if it's taking everything you have to keep touching any part of me.

They are so clueless.

It really was their fault. You won't listen, but of course things happened the way they did. They pushed us to fake romance, while saying over and over that we are one person, the same person. So it's no wonder that I became curious, that the lines became so blurred. It's no wonder that some of the moments we had at the club began to bleed over into real life. It's no wonder that I longed to find anything that separated us, that could prove to the world that I was Hikaru and you were Kaoru. It's no wonder that touches became more frequent, and hugs started to linger longer than they should. But it didn't bother you, not at first, and it didn't bother me. Because our souls reached out to their other halves in each protracted touch.

They will never find out.

It all started safe beneath our blankets in the dead of night. We would sleep naked, we were always comfier that way. We knew each other's bodies backwards and forwards, because your body is mine, and my body is yours, so there was no shame in it. It all started one night, when I couldn't seem to drift off to sleep with you. I began to wonder – we talk at the same time and say the same things, we make the same expressions, the same things make us laugh, but would we respond the same way when we aren't trying to keep up with each other? Would we respond the same way in secret moments of pleasure? What if those were the moments we became different, what if those moments proved everything? It started with a single touch with soft fingertips, drifting gently down your chest. You shivered ever so slightly, and shifted towards me. When I ran a finger lightly over your nipple, you made a noise. A different noise. A noise I had never heard before. How can that be possible? If I am you and you are me, as they all say, how could that be? How could it be, when I gently smoothed the skin right above your pelvic bone, you became aroused, when that spot only tickles me?

They will never understand.

I sat in classes every day, wasting away the time until night fell and I could touch you again. We would play our games at the Host Club, holding each other just slightly too close, suggesting that something taboo would happen, but if questioned we could explain it away. We were twins after all, no one else would understand, naturally. But I longed for the moments when we would strip down, take off this costume we carefully constructed during the day, and curl up next to each other, naked and exposed and truthful and warm. I would wait until you would fall asleep, Kaoru, and every night would begin my exploration of you and everything you are. You shivered uncontrollably when I ran my fingers down your ear lobe. You shifted away irritably when I touched your sides. When I ran my fingers up your length, gently stroking that little tender bit right below the head, you became wet and your body shifted, knowing it needed something but too lost and confused in sleep to understand what. That was as far as I could take it each night. Sometimes I would go to sleep feeling like I was closer and closer to discovering who Hikaru and Kaoru were, but I was more often left feeling bereft. I wanted to prove that we were different, but I contrarily wanted us both to be proving this together. I wanted us to be acknowledged as Hikaru and Kaoru, but I also wanted to wake up, feeling your hands drifting across my body, hoping to see if I shivered where you tensed. I know my feelings were conflicted, that I wanted two exact opposite things that can't exist at once, but I can't help that I wanted you to be as lost as I was. To be lost with me.

They don't see it.

You seemed surer than I did. Maybe I never realized it before, or maybe I was looking too much into it. No, I wasn't. I always thought I was in control, when we played our games for the girls with hungry eyes. I would hold you, and comfort you, and protect you. Isn't that control? But I began to see how you were so confident, so sure of every move you make. When my hand would linger unsure and trembling on your face, you would take it down to your chest, place it so believably over your heart in a moment of connected passion that would cause gasps and murmurs all around. When my mouth came just too close to yours, you would bend to the side ever so slightly, so it looked like we might kiss cheeks. Were you so clueless about what happened when we turn off the lights? Or were you so acutely aware that you were carefully guiding me away from you?

They never noticed.

Things shifted in the course of one night. I understand… how would they see it, how would they notice it, if we are the same soul? It was a mistake, but I couldn't stop myself. We were alone in our beds, curled up against each other as we have always been. When your breath evened out against my neck and your arm, draped over me, relaxed ever so slightly, I turned over. Luckily you are a heavy sleeper, for I shifted you too hard. You simply pulled me closer, always reaching for me, even in sleep, as I always reach for you. I began by exploring your chest, running my fingers everywhere I could reach, while gently laying kisses on our soft skin. You sighed, and your body twitched and curled towards me, but you remained deeply asleep. I moved lower, licking around our belly button, kissing the hair that trails down and down. I reached that spot you like but I don't, right above your pelvic bone, and gently placed my lips over it. I hadn't even moved, but I felt little tremors beneath my lips. I pulled back from my little kiss, and lightly licked across the bone. I could see a little bit of sweat, and lapped it up. Does it taste like mine does? I don't know, but I kept licking, with soft kisses here and there when you started shifting too much or your leg started shaking or your breathing hitched. You were so aroused then, and when I touched you you were warm and hard. I ran my hand up the length and stopped on the head, pulling the wetness around in little circles. I looked up just in time to see you open your mouth, and make an expression that was too graceful and beautiful to have ever passed over my face. I discovered you liked that, when I made little circles around the head, so I kept moving, watching as your body began tensing little by little. I know I should have stopped, but I felt so strongly that everything will make sense, that I'm about to find the answer to our very existence, so I kept going. I rested my other hand on your balls, and with my thumb massage them, soft at first, then with more pressure. Your legs spread apart, so you must like that. I kept pushing you towards your orgasm, holding my breath, waiting. Then it happened. You made this sweet confused sleep-addled moan, your hips thrusting ever so slightly. Your body stopped shaking and tensed, and time froze for one sweet moment as you came. But before you even finished, you grabbed my arm and pulled me up towards you. Your hand was shaking, whether it was with pleasure or rage I'm still not sure.

They don't realize.

It's unbelievably alarming, seeing anger and fear swirled together on your face, my face, in a completely new way. You were too upset for words, holding yourself as if you were afraid I'd touch you again. Don't you realize, Kaoru, that I've done it? That I've figured out in all these nights who we are? But you didn't understand…you don't understand. You were angry, and talking so fast, first telling me that this could never happen again, that this is wrong, then apologizing for whatever part you unknowingly played in this transgression. Transgression. What an ugly world for something so beautiful. Don't you realize your body is my body, that your pleasure is mine? That night seemed so natural to me, so wonderful and fulfilling and like everything was now connected in my life, but your wide, terrified eyes showed you felt lost and afraid. You said we would talk about it more later, tomorrow, and flipped over, breaking the intense connection we had only moments ago. The days went by and we didn't talk about it. But now when we have guests at the Host Club, we sit them down, and tell them stories. You always acts hurt about something, so I hold you close and whisper, just loud enough, sweet nothings to calm you down. Where there used to be a twinkle in your eye at the mischievous lies we were peddling, it is now replaced with a dull empty gaze as if you were so damaged by that night you had to retreat deep inside yourself. I can't stop thinking about that night, and you are doing everything you can to forget it.

They don't know that, even more hurtful than the fact they never noticed our entire world has changed, is a simple realization…

They will never know what I finally discovered. They will never know just how different Kaoru and I truly are.


End file.
